Struggling to regulate? Try finding joy.

When I first learned about nervous system regulation, I tied myself in knots trying to figure it out. I understood the theory, sure - but how do you actually get out of survival mode?

I’d find myself walking around thinking, I’m in flight. I’m in flight. Which, of course, just stressed me out more. I’d go for a run or try deep breathing, but it often felt like I had a microscope on myself: What about now? Am I in ventral yet?

Intensity isn’t always the answer

I can be a bit intense when I’m trying to figure things out, especially when it comes to healing. I’m smiling as I write this, because it’s a double-edged sword. That intensity has helped me be really curious about the world and train in a bunch of different approaches. But it also makes it harder to allow the slower, softer pace that regulation actually needs.

The hardest part of beginning to regulate is the awareness. Noticing when you’re in survival mode, especially if it’s happening often, is exhausting. Sometimes, it can even make things feel worse.

Let joy be the antidote

That’s why I think finding joy - what Deb Dana calls glimmers - can be such a beautiful antidote to dysregulation.

Glimmers are small, everyday moments that spark a sense of ease, calm, or warmth. They’re often subtle, but your body knows when one shows up. It might be a soft smile, a gentle exhale, a warm feeling in your chest, or a quiet settling in your shoulders.

Here’s how you might start to notice and work with glimmers:

• Pause and pay attention. Slow down just enough to notice something that feels good enough. It doesn’t need to be amazing. Just… nice. A sound, a texture, a colour. The way sunlight hits a wall, a favourite colour or object in your room.

• Tune in to your body. What happens physically when you notice that moment? Is there a softening, even just a little? Maybe a breath comes more easily, or your jaw loosens. Just notice - no need to change anything.

  
  

• Savour it. This is key. Let the moment linger for a few extra seconds. Let your whole body drink it in. You can even say to yourself, “This feels good. I want to remember this.”

  
  

• Collect them. I like to think of these moments like coins in a jar. When you notice one, you’re creating a little resource you can return to later - something that reminds your nervous system: safety exists.

  
  

Start small. Ask yourself:

• What’s my favourite colour?

• Is there an object in my home I love?

• What’s a texture that feels comforting?

• Is there a sound I find soothing?

  
  

Let yourself focus on it for just a moment longer than usual. Let your body feel it.

This isn’t about ignoring the hard stuff, it’s about building your capacity to also notice what’s safe, what’s soft, and what’s quietly good.

Moments to return to

I remember being on a retreat, watching long grass swaying in the wind. It was so simple, but incredibly beautiful. I sat and watched it for a while. Now, when I look out the window and see the silver birch outside our house moving in the breeze, it takes me right back to that same energy. It’s like a little resource I can return to anytime I need.

When you’re feeling tangled…

If you’re trying so hard to regulate that you end up stressing yourself out, pause.

See if you can find a bit of joy - in a photograph, a familiar object, the light through the window. Notice the colours, the textures, the shapes.

And then notice what shifts in your body.

Maybe you’ll soften, even just a little.